Cancer

Cancer is something that focuses you mind quite intently. The treatment sometimes causes you to have some very fuzzy thinking, several people refer to it as "Chemo Brain". I'm not sure that in order to concentrate on healing that parts of your mind doesn't just shut down and transfer its attention to getting over the ill.

How do I know, I know because I was there, I had Hodgkins and miracle of miracles I had symptoms. I had being drugged out of my brain to deal with the pain of these symptoms.

So I regularly read cancer survival books and cancer living books and well, cancer books. Along with the Fantasy addiction and the occaisonal romance novel to keep my mind from being overwhelmed.

Reading Mind over Cancer by Colin Ryder Richardson I come across a passage where it says that often the cancer type is the "uncomplaining,. accepting type" and I have to admit that yes, I often don't complain properly, oh I vent on my livejournal, talk to friends about the problems I'm having but I rarely tackle the sources. I have been getting better at this but I have strange ideas about complaining to superiors. I think I'm coming across as whingeing, and I often belabour the point. I suppose that's because I had to do that in school, had to keep telling people things to get a point across, to not be the invisible person in the corner reading a book.

I don't know that I don't sometimes truly hate myself. Hate the fact that I seem to have as much impact on the world as a soap bubble. I sometimes feel disjointed from the world, like I just skim the edges and don't really get truly involved, there's a voice lurking somewhere that comments and doesn't want me to get too deep for fear it might get hurt, but there's also a voice that wants to be involved.

Sometimes my glasses are that barrier. It's like they protect me from the outside, offering me a different vision of the world than provided by reality.

Sometimes I'm that barrier. I don't want to get burned, I don't want people to hurt me as much as they have in the past, don't want that laughter and pain.

I also sometimes wonder if I settle for safe instead of dreams and maybe that's providing me with these moments of pain, the cancer was just a symptom of the pain I feel for having an unexamined life.